


Who's The Father?

by MilToro



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F, Skits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-12
Updated: 2009-07-12
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:40:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilToro/pseuds/MilToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucy and Renee discuss who will be the father of Xena's child during Lucy's pregnancy. Written *before* Lucy really got pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who's The Father?

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER**: Obviously, this was written *before* Lucy really got pregnant, but I haven't quite figured out how they will write it into the show, so there ya go!

RENEE - Okay, Luce, who do think the father's going to be?

LUCY - What?

RENEE - The father. The father of Xena's baby.

LUCY - What are you going on about? Xena's not having a child. She already did that. Solan, remember?

RENEE - Then how are they going to work your pregnancy into show?

LUCY - My what?!?

RENEE - Your pregnancy. Let's see. It can't be a new guy because we'd have to kill him. You know, the red shirt thing. How about Marcus?

LUCY - Uh, Renee, one small problem, I'm not pregnant.

RENEE [laughs] - Yeah right!

LUCY - Well, I'm not. Where'd you hear that?!

RENEE - [laughing] - You're such a scream [pats Lucy's arm]! So you don't like the Marcus idea. I understand. The whole necrophilia idea.

LUCY - No, really, who told you I was pregnant?

RENEE [incredulous] - The internet! And besides, it's in all the papers. Where have you been?! They said to film it you were going to hide behind a bush, peek around a tree trunk or stand up to your neck in wat---

LUCY [exasperated] - I was kidding!

RENEE - Uh huh. It didn't sound it. Were you also kidding in [ticks off her fingers] Women's Weekly, the National Enquirer, Starweek, even some French magazine, "7 Jours", whatever that means.

LUCY - 7 Days. They're Canadian, Quebecois.

RENEE - Whatever. What about Borias?

LUCY - Been there, done that.

RENEE - What about Ares?

LUCY - Ewwwwww. That's so ignominious. Forget it.

RENEE - Huh? Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole Ares-is-Xena's-father-thing. What about Perdicus?

LUCY - Same as Marcus. Dead guy. Besides, he's your loser.

RENEE - Don't remind me. Ulysses?

LUCY - He's married and my loser.

RENEE - You already did Hercules, what about Young Hercules? Xena can go off on his show to explain your absence and---

LUCY - Forget it. Pedoephilia.

RENEE - He's not that young, that's how old Gabrielle was when she met Xena, right? I think he's kind of cute.

LUCY - Actually, she was younger, but let's just say Gabrielle cured Xena of her little involution.

RENEE - Her what? You think Gabrielle's too young for Xena?

LUCY - Was. Was too young. Have you watched those 1st season tapes? She looks about 12 years old, for heaven's sake!

RENEE - That's what they made me do, Luce. What about now?

LUCY - Well, I'm going to miss your long hair, but your new haircut makes her look more mature. An equal lover for Xena.

RENEE [smiling] - That's cool. So you like it then?

LUCY - Yeah, it suits you.

RENEE - Great!

LUCY - What about Joxer?

RENEE - Joxer?!??!!! Luce! Now that's what I call perversion!

LUCY [deadpans] - Why? He's of age.

RENEE - Lucy! It's Joxer?!

LUCY [excitedly] - No, no, not me getting pregnant, Joxer does!!!

RENEE - Joxer? Gets pregnant?

LUCY - Yeah, listen. Joxer gets pregnant and has to go off somewhere to have the kid. You know, the shame of it all, a single guy with child. It could take the whole season, you know. Maybe then we'd get to kiss.

RENEE - And just who would do the impregnating? Xena?

LUCY [laughs] - No, no. Don't be silly.

RENEE [confused] - Meg?

LUCY - No, listen, Joxer gets inseminated by a god.

RENEE - Dahok?

LUCY - Been there, done that. Hope, remember?

RENEE - Don't remind me.

LUCY - How about Ares?

RENEE - Ares and Joxer? Whoa, that could be rough.

LUCY - Yeah, I know. [laughing] Ted will love it.

RENEE - Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him? Then they can bring him back every once in a while.

LUCY - Are you kidding?! That means he'll be back every other week! You know how much Rob and R.J. love him. We'd never get to kiss.

RENEE - Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry.

LUCY - So preggos it is!

RENEE [gives Lucy a high-five] - Cheers to a kiss!

LUCY - To a kiss!

RENEE - So you're really not pregnant?

LUCY - Nope. You know I would've told you. Besides, I'm going to wait until the show's over.

RENEE - Yeah, I was wondering how you were going to manage that. All that kicking and spinning and rolling around. Not good for a baby. But I figured, hey, you're the star, married to the boss...

LUCY - Ren, do me a favour.

RENEE - What's that?

LUCY - Don't believe everything you read.


End file.
